It was a warm night and I was up on stage with my guitar. The lights were big, the sounds huge, and I was strumming the strings, jumping up and down, and rocking like crazy. But deep inside I was heart broken.
Earlier that day, weeks of cramped frustrations finally exploded. If you’re 19 years old and in college and you have the prettiest girlfriend in the world and also have the “awesome-est” rock band ever is like doing a zipline on top of the most amazing view in the world but with the strap tied to your neck.
Basically it’s about half a kilo of time issue, 2 cups of “what will be your future issue” and some pints of “all the screaming ladies” issue. Mix them all together, and bake till overcooked.
I don’t know what happened after but 8 years after we are still together happy like no other. The only thing I remembered was that I ran straight after the gig rode an hour and a half to her house to know that she was there in the gig the entire time supporting me!!!!!
For the past 12 years we’ve had tons and tons of fights as lovers, and I barely remember them. Only the few weird ones like debating whether Rizal should be the national hero (I’m the pro, and Dabby is the super-anti) and the latest one on Coco Martin and her pet animal woman (I’m the anti, she’s the open artist interpretation). But over that span of 12 years, and thousands of fights, quarrels, and debates we have perfected the skill of keeping them from 1 minute to only an overnight – and we’re awesome the following day.
So I’ve come up with a list spanning like 12 years of all these amazing gifts from tears and pains.
- What Fight?
Personally, I always felt like it was the end of the world right during every quarrel. The discomfort, the restlessness, the idea of having to do it all over again, and of course the haunting vision of breaking up. It was hard to pull-off but looking at it all years later slowly – like really slowly – I have changed the way I look at quarrels. I mean, this took years, but it has literally transformed from something negative to something that is “just part” of every relationship then into an “important part” of the relationship, until finally it is something positive in the long run. I’m not sure how long it will take for you but understanding that quarrels is one of the key important and super necessary part of the relationships might just ease up and brighten your idea of “here we go again”.
- Rules for Boys
For the boys, always remember that for men 1 plus 1 is equals 2. For women however, 1 plus 1 is equals butterfly. In short, don’t expect your girlfriend to think the way you do, never, ever!
- Let it all out… first.
I will be lying if I say to you be in your right mind every time you fight so don’t be. Messing up is normal, and yes, flying plates is normal. Yes, it’s full of emotions, of feelings, harsh words, and even harsh decisions. When we are angry, it’s really like a cloud that covers your thinking – everything is shut off. That’s Normal. But I’m not saying to you domestic violence is normal. I’m an advocate of expressing oneself of releasing blocked energy, but please don’t ever release it right up to your partner.
Now, this is something that must be worked on by ourselves. If I am to write Life’s Manual I would surely write this on section 1, “Acquire a personal technique of releasing negative emotions.” For a happy normal human being this is super duper required.
Anger is blockage. Or any type of discomfort is a sign of blockage. Something is blocked in your body, in your psyche. One must need first to unblock it. How? I’d be very OA if I say to you meditation, that’s crazy if you just found out you’re partner is cheating. You can always talk it out first with friends, write it down, go for a walk. Other releases is to just literally release it, scream, throw at things, burn things. But never forget the key to releasing successfully is be aware – mindful – conscious – of what you are releasing. (So you don’t end up feeling great as your release by burning your boyfriend’s car.)
It was only when both Dabby and I were matured enough and realized that fighting is part of the relationship that we learned to have this own un-written law when we are having fights that we will just talk about it the following day and it should be over overnight. This gives us enough time to release and be mindful of the whole situation. So the following day, our heads are clearer and we can talk about it clearly (obviously).
- No BIG decisions during conflicts
Example: Break-ups are more meaningful and healthy when made right AFTER the fight.
This ain’t easy. But please try it. It’s worth thinking twice.
Okay I don’t want anyone going nosebleed either because of too much fighting or too much to comprehend here, so I’ll be stopping from here. On the next post are the rest of the inputs in this series. How to stop fighting over the same issues, sorting out who is right who is wrong, and finally get to learn why quarrels are also sexy!
Stick around the coming days, keep posted!
Live in Love,
What was your most unforgettable conflict ever? How did you get over it? What BIG lessons did you learn? Share them on the comments below, I’d love to hear inspirations from you too!
Hanz? Why the sudden shift from inspirational stories to love stories? It’s been months since I’ve been hearing stories about the realities of relationships these days. I simply felt the essence of relationships is becoming very sick – is dying. Relationships has consumed people that either they get addicted to it or feared of being in one. Plus, how media and technology has crafted crazy constructs about love and it kills me to know that only a few – very few people – really give a damn of finding meaning in life through love. And so, I’m hoping that sharing a piece of our almost 12 year relationship with my partner Dabby will in some way ignite once again that thrill of experiencing the beauty and yes grandeur in relationships – that is when we have found love in ourselves.