And we’re back! Last time I took the opportunity to share the most treasured lessons I learned from 12 years with Dabby Gail’s – specifically in our conflicts. All in all, it was how I totally transformed from my long time hatred of conflicts in a relationship, how I would get sick, and sleepless, and really really be afraid of it – to the point that the idea of just fighting is so traumatic! And now, conflicts for us are fun – literally, it’s enjoyable – especially if one understands it’s very important role in nourishing intimacy and trust with your partner.
We started off with changing our way we view about conflicts, then some handy rules for boys in dealing with their lalabs, then on to the importance of letting it all out while it’s hot and finally avoiding big decisions during conflicts. So here’s the rest of the list from last week’s post on 8 Ways to Have Happy Healthy and Sexy Couple Fights – The Gift of Conflicts. Plus the super secret truth that I tried to avoid and finally accepted and just made love life sweeter! So here are my last 4 big lessons:
- It should be NEW
Fighting over the same issue over and over again is a sign of stagnation. It’s unhealthy. And in most cases it has nothing to do about the relationship but has something to do with both individuals separately. It is the complete opposite example of what I’m talking about.
How? Close the first issue.
Now, I have to say that closing the first issue might take some repeating of the previous fights. That’s what happened with the band-love issues we had back in college. Same old lines, same old excuses, and same old “I’m sorry na, I won’t do it again!”, and same old response: “Unsaon man na nako imong sorry? Akong kan-on?” (What do you want me to do with your sorry? Eat it?) But every time you get into a conflict – again this is very difficult – have this inner aim to learn from it. Yes, that’s the key word, learn from it.
You see, the Universe is quite generous, but very tricky. If you would ask for something it would give you in ways you would never expect and never imagine.
Say you wanted to get rid with all the cheating and infidelity issue. You wanted to grow trust and confidence in each other. The universe won’t suddenly delete all the pretty gals or macho-gwapitos in your life, but instead put them right in your way wherever you go! That’s the surest and “bestest” way you get to grow ones commitment. (Based on a true story – ehem!)
Friends, I have to warn you with what I’ll say, but essentially, conflicts are answers to our prayers. We’ve asked for this some way or another. Like, just for a second, try to think of the biggest events or happening lately that occurred in your life. And think deeply with your heart and recall if you have asked for this – most of the time unconsciously – in the past months.
You asked for more patience, then you will have more occasions that will make you impatient. You asked for more time together, then you will have more occasions that will take your time OFF each other until you realize that you will have to have time for each other.
It’s when you understand that there’s a catch – a beautiful catch in every conflict – then can one finally embrace its importance and start accepting the idea of fighting as one of the tools to push the relationship to the better.
- None of you is right or wrong
This took me years to learn, and to accept. I’m a man, and I’m always right. Right?
Nope! Neither is she!
Actually, I learned this first and applied it first to my life until then I learned to put it in practice in our relationship. I got this in practicing meditation and really digging into the inner self. But really, it’s very simple, everything she – my partner says – is valid. Opinions or judgments or comments – all are valid. They are neither right nor wrong.
You see, with Dabby, we are the total opposites. Like super duper polar opposites. From preferences, to personality, to habits, to philosophies, totally different.
Like Dabby Gail, is the more open, upfront, and frank. If she hates something and she tell you right in the face. While I’m the more conservative and waits for the stars and moon to align to say something “difficult” to a person.
And this is so common during shooting our films. I’d do something – like plan, and research and create this type of tracking shot – and on the shooting day she’ll have this out of the world remark and says that it is bad – ugly. And for me, it’s painful, like really it hurts. But it doesn’t mean she’s right, nor it means I’m wrong. Both of us are valid. And I realize that it’s only my ego who’s hurt. So I just allow what she said, and move from there. And most of the time, we’d come up with something even better.
So all in all, the bottomline is like this:
“So okay none of us is right, and none of us is wrong – now, who’s opinion has the most beneficial result for us?”
You get what I mean?
- Come up with your own process
I guess only the long term partners can actually come up to this part. Having healthy fights would become like habits – good habits. Actually, if you’ve come up with a process or steps on how you deal with conflicts will only arise if you have fought countless times. But the beauty there is that these processes grow uniquely from you. It’s like your own unwritten law, your secret spice.
In our case, it’s our unwritten rule that conflicts don’t stay overnight. Now matter how ugly the debates, preferences, and rough exchanges – the following day – poof! It’s time to talk straight.
- Quarrels is the new sexy
In the gym, we have this saying “sore is the new sexy. “
No, I don’t mean that you always beaten up by your boyfriend and get sore all over your body means your sexy.
It simply means, like when sculpting muscles, if you have gone through enough pain – sore – that is in our case, conflicts, can one get that beautifully crafted body. Conflicts are like workouts, you get the most of it by really undergoing the beauty of pain and then rejoicing the results of solid trusts, judgment-free expressions, and lifelong intimacy.
Above all these guys, after all the healthy conflicts, becoming better as a couple and being a god example to people and even to your kids, and getting that sexier bump in your relationships, one truth remains with you for the rest of your life – you have become a better (sexier) person.
BONUS! BONUS! BONUS!
To be honest, it took me some time “recalling” and literally “digging” on the idea of conflicts because for the past years conflicts has become rare or simple too embedded in our relationship. And after a lot of reflection, I sensed that this was because, for the past few years, Dabby Gail and I have actually become spiritual partners. Like we meditate together, we deal with our shadows and trauma together, we openly talk about our deepest reflections, we talk about our hurts and our joys our desires hopes and dreams – in short we heal together.
More about this in the following posts!
Live in love,
PS. From the deepest parts of my heart – thank you for reaching (reading) this far! =D
Do you also have unwritten rules of your relationships too? Feel free to share ’em in the comment box below!